Ask Me How It Works

Love in an Open Marriage
Now available from Viking Books/ Penguin Random House UK

Listen to ASK ME HOW IT WORKS, the audiobook, on Spotify

  • 'Deepa is the epitome of a woman living in her power. Ask Me How It Works provides a stunningly vulnerable and poetic glimpse into her most intimate spaces and through her journey to sexual liberation. If this book doesn’t change your perspective on relationships, nothing will.'

    GILLIAN ANDERSON

  • 'A fascinating and big-hearted portrait of sex, intimacy and polyamory, which left me wanting to spend more time with her.'

    CLOVER STROUD

    My Wild and Sleepless Nights: A Mother’s Story

  • 'A spectacular memoir written with verve and style'

    NANA-DARKOA SEKYIAMAH,

    The Sex Lives of African Women

  • 'A refreshingly honest and intimate exploration of open marriage... As a woman of color, her perspective adds a needed voice to discussions of non-traditional relationships.'

    JESSICA FERN

    Polysecure & Polywise

  • 'A singingly honest, live-wire of a memoir... will leave you thrilled and humming with possibility'

    YAEL VAN DER WOUDEN

    Women’s Prize 2025, The Safekeep

  • 'A brave and elegantly executed memoir about the power of writing your own rules, shaking off shame and fighting for a marriage to work'

    THE TIMES

Je mag me alles vragen

Liefde in een open huwelijk

Uitgeverij Nieuw Amsterdam

Wie es mir gefällt

über Liebe und nicht-exklusives Begehren

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‘Here is my husband. Here is my boyfriend.
Here I am. Go on. Ask me how it works.’

In the early hours of dawn in Amsterdam, Deepa Paul rises from her boyfriend’s bed. She gets dressed, slips away with a kiss and cycles home, where she is welcomed into the arms of her husband, whose contentment is mellow alongside her own. There isn’t a glimmer of shame, deception or guilt, only the honesty and compassion needed to make this kind of life possible — even if it wasn’t always this easy.
You might have questions. Whose idea was it? What are the rules? Are you ever jealous? In this memoir, Deepa offers her answers openly and tenderly, as she explores the truth to questions of her own. Can I ask for what I want, and still honor the life I have chosen? Do I deserve it? Is it worth it?
Unexpectedly relatable, at times raw and vulnerable, and joyfully vibrant, this is one woman’s story of discovering her own desires and how to liberate them, of shifting identities from mother to lover and back again, and of finding the courage to ask for the marriage she wanted, beyond the marriage she had.

‘It is a transition from one space to another, from one me to another: from sexual freedom to domestic bliss, from the thrill of the new to the comfort of the mundane, from libertine and lover to mother and wife.’